Sense of Entitlement

It seems my weeks have a corresponding focus/theme to them. This past week my focus was on gardening/yard work/spring cleaning. Traditional exercise went out the window since I was saving all my energy for manual labor and so did my journalling as I was either covered in dirt or my fingers too cramped to bother with writing things down. You may have noticed that I went a whole few days without blogging too!

With my focus temporarily off healthful habits and diverted to other productive activities, I noticed my desire for water & vegetables diminished and that with the intense outdoor activity, sun, and hot weather that some old cravings revisited me.

Midmornings I craved diet soda with an intensity that I had almost forgotten. When I came in for meals, I wanted substance and lots of it. In the hot, sweaty afternoons, I thought longingly about driving to Timmie's for an Ice Cap and after the day was done and the dirt washed off, I yearned for "real" ice cream. Where was this all coming from?

Most certainly, this past weekend would have brought me spiralling back into old habits if it weren't for all the accountability set up in the blogging, a deep desire to be free from old, destructive habits and what I can only claim to be supernatural, grace from God to stand firm. Instead of sucumbing, I decided to analyse what I was feeling. What was driving the cravings?

I could only come up with a couple reasons. First, I have to form some healthier food associations with the different seasons and celebrations in my life. The joy of summer needs to be more than frozen, sugary treats and caffinated drinks. It will take some time and reinforcement but if I keep pressing in, I know I can make the switch.

The deeper motivation, however, was a sense of entitlement. I was working hard doing things that stop being fun after a couple minutes. I declined invites to social events to work on projects and listened to some neighbors kicking back and enjoying life with abandon through the fence. I deserved a reward for all my hard work! I was entitled to enjoy life a little...after all...other people do. Surely I earned a treat.

It's a slippery slope and I know it. I talked myself down from the self gratification route reminding myself that I didn't deserve to undo all the positive choices I've made over the past 5 months just because the temperature rose over 80 degrees and I sweat a little. I didn't really want those foods that I have deliberately avoided because they would never satisfy me and would take me down a path I didn't want to go. I got through the long weekend with my sugar & caffiene resolve intact but I'll be honest, I did indulge in a McDonald's french fries before I caught on to what was happening!

Now it's back to our normal schedule and I've taken some time to reflect. I pulled out that journal and wrote down everything I could remember. It's not as bad as it could have been but it was pretty sloppy on autopilot.

Funny thing is, when I look back on my weekend I remember it as being very fun even with the hard work and lack of traditional treats. I don't have to go through painful withdrawl symptoms and that post-weekend slump that makes going back to work hard.

Now that is something a girl is entitled to!