One Year Mark

Today is a significant day for me. October 17th marks one full year of coffee & pop sobriety.

Wow! This is an accomplishment for me. Never in my 13 years of addiction has this been done. I think my previous record was somewhere around 3 months where I would be lost in the futility of my decision and go eagerly back to the comfort of my favorite beverages.

I'd love to say that I'm completely cured after 365 days of saying "no" and that I am in no danger of slipping back to old habits but this is not a truthful statement. Most days I don't even think about Tim Hortons, Starbucks or Diet Coke and I'm okay, but as recently as yesterday, I struggled with the temptation to indulge.

The desire is not constant or I don't think I could be strong enough to avoid it. No, it comes occasionally but as intense as the first couple days of deprivation.

See, my husband is still a coffee drinker and most of my friends are too. When I quit brewing our choice coffee at home, Shawn lost his enabler. He now gets his daily dose at work and goes through the Timmies drive-thru on the weekend. Inevitably, I am with him as he pulls into the drive-thru line en route to our destination and my longing for coffee or an ice caps is wakened. I have avoided trying to convert Shawn to my way of thinking and he has lowered his consumption on his own, but these weekend tributes to Tim Hortons continue. I remind myself that this is my choice and I am choosing not to drink these beverages for my own reasons. The internal reasoning is loud and so far, my best intentions have won out.

The diet soda cravings are very much the same. I'm okay most of the time unless we visit a fast-food restaurant and everyone is sipping their pop. I carry my stainless steel thermos with ice-cold purified water and that is what I drink. It's not the same but it works. I am constantly amazed at the response of my mind and body when I hear the crack and zip of someone opening a can of soda. I could be across the room, engaged in a conversation and the sound would get my full attention.

This weekend was a powerful reminder. We attended a conference and a wedding in a 2 day procession that involved early mornings, late nights and suspended downtime. I watched conference goers cradling their paper cups of java and my own hands felt strangely empty. A stainless steel thermos doesn't have the same warmth. Between the wedding & reception, I wished for the sustainment of a Starbucks but no such bliss for me. I watched Shawn enjoy.

So why? That's what I ask myself over and over during these moments. We gave away our coffee maker last month and just yesterday, our stash of Tim Horton's grinds. A year seems like it should be long enough but after yesterday, I'm still asking these questions. This was my answer:

1) Less frequent bathroom visits. I could drink more water and create the need to eliminate more often but with coffee or diet soda, I was in the washroom incessantly. During this busy weekend, I watched women almost running out of the conference sessions in an attempt to get to the ladies room on time and I felt no such discomfort. This is a small thing but for the girl who had to sit on the isle most of her life, it's a great benefit!

2) The ability to sleep in. While coffee may make waking up during the week a little easier, it never failed that on the one day I could sleep longer, my caffeine need would wake me at my regular time. If I tried to stay in bed, I would wake with a headache that spoiled the beginning of what is supposed to be a relieving day of rest. Not anymore. Now, I can sleep in occasionally with unspoiled indulgence and when I wake, I feel great!

3) More money. Those comforting visits to Timmies or Starbucks cost a lot. Even keeping our home stocked with grinds, filters, and cream was an added expense. Now, our grocery budget is trimmed and my personal spending money is saved for tangible purchases. This is a great benefit!

4) Less upset stomach. During the height of my caffeine consumption, my stomach would tighten up like a rock. Nothing I did could relax the ball of tension I felt in the pit of my belly. Over the past couple years I have come to realize that I am constantly working to manage anxiety. Caffeine-laden beverages tend to contribute negatively to this effort.

5) Irritability. I haven't suddenly turned into a relaxed, sweet individual. In fact, this year I have seen all sorts of negativity come out of me as I faced interpersonal conflict without the benefit of some basic comforts in my diet. What I have noticed however, is that I no longer experience the agitation that comes with being deprived of my addictive substance. Power outages, lack of access to coffee shops, or other delays in receiving my caffinated beverages would inevitably make me edgy and demanding due to the unwavering, protest of my body. It's hard to put a value on not experiencing this and behaving so primitively.

There are probably more benefits, but I think you get the point. Although, it may seem like a small thing to some, it does make a difference. Whatever I feel that I have lost in this process, I have gained a lot too.

Here's to another year!