Breaking the Rule

A long time ago I learned that I have a natural and very persistent urge to sample anything that I take the time to bake and it is strongest in the first hour after it comes out of the oven. Why wouldn't one want to taste the fruit of their labour? I came to terms with this and decided that I wouldn't spend my valuable time making anything that was going to deter me from my health & fitness goals. Bake what is going to assist and nourish me, and if necessary, buy at the store what my family insisted on consuming that doesn't help at all.

This rule works for me when I don't break it. Raw, natural, and otherwise healthy baked goods I can spend hours on and enjoy. The other stuff can come home in a bag or a box and go in the cupboard, freezer, or cold storage without me having to touch, smell or otherwise handle it in any way.

This week I went against this natural law and suffered the penalty for it.

My children launched a campaign to bake homemade chocolate chip cookies. They started with "Remember?" questions that went like this:

"Remember those chocolate chip cookies mom used to make?"

"Remember when she made us wear a scarf over our mouth so we wouldn't breath germs on the cookie dough" (Okay, we were making them as Christmas gifts so I wasn't taking any chances!)

"Remember when mom let us mix the dough with our hands?" (After a thorough washing, I promise!)

Then they started getting serious:

"Mom, are you ever going to make cookies with us again?"

"Those cookies tasted so good"

"That cookie recipe is the best one ever"

In the store they excitedly pointed out the massive bag of chocolate chips and I don't know what happened. Suddenly this force took over my body and I heard the words, "Go ahead and put them in the cart" come out of my mouth. That's what if felt like anyways. In actuality, I chose to listen to the conflicting voice inside me that says a mother's love means indulging your children now and then.

My kids were equally incredulous and they practically tripped over themselves to get the bag before I changed my mind. I almost did. I wanted to, but I knew that it would be beyond cruel to back out after I had raised their hopes.

Once home, the chocolate chips went into the cold storage and I hoped that the family would forget they were there. No. The chocolate chip cookie questions, statements and innuendos continued until finally I decided that we would make a big batch and get this over with. Trysten & Paris were elated.

We doubled the recipe and I helped the kids assemble the ingredients but I made them handle the dough. I didn't get involved until the hot trays needed to be taken from the oven and the cookies carefully lifted off in their molten state to be put on the plate. Big mistake. The mix of brown sugar, butter, vanilla, walnuts, coconut and chocolate chips was beyond intoxicating.

My children wanted to take platefuls around to the families in our neighborhood. This was a monumental event for them and they wanted to share the experience. These are the best cookies after all! They had my blessing because I just wanted them to be gone as quickly as possible.

While they were outside bestowing their baked goods to the hungry neighbourhood children and their equally interested parents, I was left alone in the kitchen. I was overwhelmed by desire for these cookies and before I knew it I ate three. I wish I could say that they tasted horrible to me and made me feel dreadfully sick but they didn't. They tasted wonderful.  Sorry, it really is a great cookie recipe! I thought about you all reading about this indiscretion in my blog but at the moment, I didn't care.

Having said no to a lot of sweets this year, I wondered why it was so hard to say no to these warm, gooey treats. That's when I remembered that I had been untrue to my own rule and I hadn't been tempted before this because this was the first time this year that I had made this recipe. I had sabotaged myself.

Shawn saw me packaging the leftover cookies later that evening and offered to help put them away. They were safely rested in the freezer and my family has been enjoying them daily. They haven't had any pull over me at all since that first hour out of the oven. In trying to decide how I could handle the situation better next time I had all sorts of options.

1) I could have not succumbed to the cookie campaign and said no to the chocolate chips in the first place
2) I could have helped the kids assemble the cookies and had dad take them out of the oven while I either left the house or kept occupied (perhaps tied up in the basement?)
3) I could hire a babysitter and have her make the cookies with my children (I have done this before)

Sometimes you need to know where you are weak or broken and build a wall of protection around that area so that temptation doesn't unnecessarily overcome you. I'd love to say that I have built up incredible will power that makes me immune to my own freshly baked chocolate chip cookies but we all know now that that is simply not the truth. I can say no to those cookies before they are made or after they have passed the "freshly baked" stage so I just need to make sure I don't go there.

Its been many days now and I suffered the consequences of sugar cravings the day following the cookie episode. I didn't allow myself to wallow in guilt over it but it was harder to make good choices after I had let down my own standard. Once you cross a line you have to decide if you are going to keep going in that direction or turn around and walk away. Walk away.