In the past, my sole motivation for eating & exercising was to lose weight. I wanted to get as thin as I could so I could feel attractive and accepted. I was able to achieve this but as I mentioned in previous blogs--I did this at the expense of my long-term health. I did achieve the feelings of attractiveness and acceptance I was looking for but it very quickly began to feel more like a prison than the pinnacle of success it appeared to be. I was terrified of gaining back any weight for fear of people's judgement.
"Have you seen Melissa? What happened? She was so thin & fit. Looks like someone isn't exercising enough...or maybe she's letting her eating get out of control..."The fear of being talked about or falling off the pedestal I'd fought to stand on was almost worse than not having stood on it at all.
As I mentioned in my very first blog, "The Beginning", I had a significant spiritual experience with God that was the key to unlocking the prison I had deliberately locked myself in. Health, not weight-loss, became my motivation. This was not an immediate transformation but more a concept that was was conceived in my heart and has steadily grown.
To many, my current fascination with building healthy behaviours and getting rid of toxic ones may seem just as prison-like but I assure you that in this case, it is not. My optimal health is not something that people can see and judge. It is not a measure by which people can assess my worth as a human being. You will not find my dramatic health transformation in any magazine and there is no guarantee that I will not succumb to an untimely death just because I took the time to take care of myself. Sometimes I even wonder if anything I've done this past year has made a difference at all!
I do admit that I struggled quite a bit with making the shift between trying to be perfect and just deciding to be obedient to the principles of health. In the year before I began this blog I had given up once again on my efforts to give up caffeine. I had made some great changes in other areas so I decided that maybe I was just trying too hard to be perfect and that I should just give myself permission to have a few bad habits.
I felt like I was betraying the revelation I had received from the Holy Spirit during my 1st encounter weekend but my efforts to change weren't working and I was beginning to think maybe I had imagined the whole thing in my head. Having caffeine, sugar or artificial sweetener isn't a sin and maybe I was being compulsive in denying myself the pleasure of a coffee or diet soda. It felt bad at the time but every time I felt that voice saying, "Melissa, you shouldn't be eating or drinking that..." I would mentally turn it off. I had given up.
It was during that year that I experienced some emotional difficulties. I spoke with my doctor about my struggles and she suggested some treatments that I wasn't thrilled about. During my prayer time over these issues I was reminded of my previous partial hysterectomy and the effect that could be having on my emotional stability. I requested that my doctor do a blood test first and if hormones were not a factor, then I would proceed with her recommendations. She looked skeptical at my theory but did the blood test to appease me. When the results came back, I was indeed in the midst of menopause as I suspected.
Not being one to use this condition as an excuse, I began to research holistic ways to manage menopausal symptoms. I found some positive suggestions that included using Wild Yam Cream instead of traditional hormone replacement therapy but I also found that a healthy lifestyle can make a huge difference. Sure enough, a few of the healthy recommendations included eliminating caffeine, sugar, artificial sweeteners and white, processed flour from the diet. Drink more water. Exercise. Supplement. All the things we know we are supposed to do and don't.
It was then that the connection between what the Holy Spirit had been whispering to me and a proper heart motivation was made. I could endeavor to make these changes not out of the compulsion of trying to be perfect but out of a realization that God knows our bodies and what is best for us. Who better to advise us than the one who made us and knows what we need more than we do? Wisdom speaks to us every day but we rarely listen and many times if we do there is frustration because we do not understand the purpose. Healing, not perfection, is the goal.
So today, when I go out with my family and opt not to have the coffee, soda, ice cream, donuts or other treats it is not because I hate my body, feel the compulsion to abuse myself, or a desire to be perfect. No. It is because I have come to realize that these things are not good for me and I have come to accept that I will be happier, healthier and more healed if I choose not to have them.
It is a significant difference that only I truly know. To the person observing it all looks the same. I still struggle sometimes with the old motivations in my heart but they do not have the grip they used to have. In truth, they didn't have much strength anyway and often gave way to temptation. This new, purer motivation is much more effective in producing real, long-term, successful change than I have ever experienced in the past.I still struggle sometimes. God is still working on me. Health is much more than food & exercise. Recently, the Holy Spirit has been whispering to me about other heart motivations and issues that have nothing to do with nutrition or fitness but have everything to do with healing and wholeness. I am encouraged because when you listen in one area, it often makes it easier to listen in another. It may look the same on the outside but inside, it's all new and abundantly more powerful.
"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
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