Conflict

Just because I had this amazing spiritual experience didn't mean that I miraculously stopped eating/drinking the foods that were unhealthy and embrace the ones that were. I did begin trying to make better choices but almost immediately experienced weight gain. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
The real root issue was exposed. I valued how I looked on the outside more than what I was on the inside and I had some very real food addictions. Even though I knew this and was trying to change, it was going to take years for this issue to be resolved, if ever.
I would make healthy choices, gain weight or lose the tight grip of control I used to have over my eating and I would scurry back to my old habits only to find they didn't fit so well anymore. After a couple weeks or so I'd realize that I didn't want to eat that way anymore and would give a more moderate diet a try.  Unfortunately, my lack of true discipline was being exposed and I'd inevidably let my food addictions take over. This healthy stuff doesn't work for me and I would go back to old habits. Back & forth, back and forth. I eventually wrote notes to myself when I changed my mind to remind myself why--predicting that I would likely change my mind again.

"You stopped eating low carb because you don't want to consume so many artificial sweeteners and there are so many healthy carbs that you enjoy"
"You stopped drinking coffee & diet pop because you get edgy towards others, sleep less deeply and get dehydrated"
"You went back to eating low carb because you gain weight, don't like feeling hungry all the time, and can't stop reaching for the sugar"
"You went back to drinking coffee & diet pop because they taste great, give you energy, and make life just a little more pleasureable"

I can't tell you how many cases of diet pop, packages of artificial sweetener and other various diet foods I have given away over the years only to replenish them again later. I just did this again recently and Shawn who has witnessed this repetition questioned me on it.

"Didn't you just give these things away not so long ago? Didn't you go out and buy them again? What are you going to do when you change your mind?"

"I'm not going to change my mind. I've really decided this time." He wisely doesn't comment but I can hear his thoughts...and mine..."How many times have you said that before?" It sounds pathetic, even to me. 

So there I was, trapped between two impossible, conflicting worlds. To make things worse, people look at me, Miss Personal Trainer, Fitness Instructor, and Nutrition/Wellness expert to guide them and set the ultimate example. Sure, I was able to help a little by sticking to the guidelines my certifications set for me, but how to do lead others to victory when you are getting beat up in the battle yourself?